I was talking to Chelsea about nursing and how, when Spencer was born, I was surprised at how long it can take. Spencer was a notoriously slow nurser. From the time he was 2 weeks old until he was eating a lot of solids at about 9 months he would nurse for an hour every time. That means that as a newborn I nursed for up to 12 hours a day. By the time he was 4 months it was about 8 hours a day. From the time we started until we stopped Michael was able to load the dishwasher, start laundry, take the garbage out, mow the law, take a shower and get dressed.
I tried to read books and magazines while nursing, but nursing releases the hormone prolactin, which makes you sleepy (I should work for La Leche League) and I would often doze off. #1 it's hard to follow a plot when you fall asleep every other paragraph and #2 I was afraid I'd drop the book on Spencer's head. I once dropped the remote on his head while nursing and I was expecting a social worker from CPS to pop out of the closet and take him into custody while also chastizing me for holding onto a pair of jeans that haven't fit since high school.
So, as a lot of first time moms do when nursing a baby, I watched TV. A lot of TV. An excessive amount of TV. This is what I have learned from the last 16 months of TV watching.
* I am really tired of Billy Mays yelling at me. You've got some fine products, Billy. That mighty putty looks mighty useful, but could you use a normal speaking tone while trying to sell it to me? Maybe you should lay off the amphetamines.
* If a TV show is in syndication and shown twice a day, 5 days a week you can watch an entire season in two and 1/2 weeks.
* It is time to turn off the TV when your husband casually mentions that he has never seen the movie The Shining to which you reply that it will be on Bravo at 2 am on Saturday. TRUE story.
* Unbeatable Banzuke is an awesome show and I would travel to Japan for no other reason than to attend a taping.
* I can watch the same episode of Project Runway 14 times and will still tune in the next time it's on.
* I can watch 5 minutes of Denise Richards in "It's Complicated" before having to call a suicide prevention hotline. Denise, honey, you were in 3 movies in the mid-90's. Get over yourself. The rest of the world already has.
* Those Geico commercials with the cavemen are genuinely funny.
* Scary movies become comedic when the volume is turned off and closed captioning is turned on.
* When celebrities that have just had babies give an interview and talk about how their baby is so wonderful and motherhood is a blessing and they lost 45 pounds in 7 hours and their 4 day old sleeps through the night and they can't wait to have another baby they are 1) lying or 2) employing a full time nanny, nutritionist and pharmacist. Hey J-Lo, I was not using the words wonderful and blessing when I was breastfeeding Spencer for the 5th time between the hours of midnight and 4 am for the 20th night in a row.
* The Independent Film Channel shows full frontal nudity. If you don't know this you're in for a shock the first time you watch.
Me and Spencer on the brink of a lot of TV watching
1 comment:
I'll forgive you for insulting Billy Mays since you made me laugh more than once while reading your post!
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